Weekend Randomness - Dear Ya'll . . .

Dear Paula Dean,
I fully understand it wasn't you that wrote the sign on the door of your resturant on Saturday, but that is no excuse. And, I fully understand it just may be your trademark twang. But please, Paula, putting up a sign saying "Hey ya'll, sorry we're closed! But if ya'll drive 10 miles out to our other resturant, we're fixin' to serve . . ." really makes me want to find you and make a recording of you speaking in proper English. I know it's in there. I bet when you're drunk, you revert back to a drawl-less, intelligent sounding lady.
Sincerely,
The Lady Who Cringes Every Time She Flips Past You on the Food Network, and Laughs at the Tourists Every Time She Passes the Long Line Outside Your Resturant


Dear Creepy Fellow Parent in the nursery at church today,
Why yes, your daughter is adorable. Yes, I see those crayons she is so gladly sharing with my daughter. It's nice you allow her to have them, while she's all dressed up in her pretty white dress, but the reason I keep giving them back to you is so my daughter, also dressed up in her pretty white dress, doesn't eat them. Or color on her baby doll. Or her pretty white dress. You see, I despise laundry, and the fact that I already have an orange line down my own dress is making me despise you for not getting the hint. And really, is it necessary to tell your two year old that she knows what quiet means and should behave like that pretty little girl over there? Because the father of that pretty little girl was getting a little jumpy over your showering of attention on her. In case you had missed that day of How To Not Be A Creepy Old Man class, it is absolutely inappropriate to blow kisses at other people's pretty little girls, while ignoring your own.
Sincerely,
The Family That Won't Be Returning to The Nursery If You're There


Dear Neighbor That Is Never Home,
Although we've lived next to you for two months and I've only seen you once from a distance, it really wasn't necessary to announce that you were home last night at two in the morning. In case you hadn't noticed, our homes are attached. That means our back bedroom window is practically over your backyard. Coming outside to scream, yell and laugh in the most drunken of fashions is only going to make me plot retaliation. Two hours of this was plenty for me to comprise quite a list of appropriate countermeasures. By some dumb luck, you managed to not wake my sleeping child, in which case, I really like the local police department and I imagine they respond awfully quick.
Sincerely,
The Neighbor Who is Anxiously Awaiting Your Next Party


Dear Child,
Really, sweet child, is it not possible to go through just one day without taking a chunk out of my arm? I do understand that the last of eight teeth are on their way in and it's been a rough month, but I gaurantee there is no nutritional value in my skin. On that same note, is it at all possible for you to stop the whole temper thing? Cause most of the time it only ends in you getting hurt. In case you hadn't noticed, it's not really a good idea to start flailing and shimmy yourself out of your mother's arms as she is picking you up. People are going to start wondering about those bruises and scratches on your face, and I'm not sure how long they're going to believe that you actually try to face dive back to the floor.
Also, dearie, leave the poor cat alone. I hoped you would get the point after he scratched you the first time, but it's been twice now and you still insist on following him behind the chair and molesting him. It's never going to end well.
Sincerely,
Your Very, Very, Very Tired Mother


Dear Husband,
I understand you have spent the last four years sleeping in odd places, tuning out loud noises and passing out as quickly as possible. I do understand you were recently at war and slept through artillery, loud barracks neighbors and at all hours of the day. However, I fail to understand how I, the person who it has been proven has bad hearing, can hear a crying child and you can't. How when I am downstairs, at the other end of the house, listening to music and running a noisy machine with a giant motor and can clearly hear the kid. How on earth, when you are 10 feet away in the next bedroom, can you not hear that? Am I missing something? Any earplugs that you happen to stick in each night? Because that would also explain how you managed to sleep through her waking up last night AND our neighbor's screaming fest outside our window.
Sincerely,
Your Wife, Wondering Who Really is Going Deaf